Well here I am opening up to a couple of strangers about one of my deepest scars. I don’t how or why I write about such things, sometimes it’s a sense of release others I feel like I should, but this one I write because God’s telling me to. I was hesitant at first but it’s been on my mind and I just feel like I should. So I’m going to jump right into it.
I won’t tell you how because I don’t want to give away ideas or anything but yes, a few weeks ago I was about to leave this world. I had been on edge the night before and through out that day already but then came a massive argument that I had with one of my family members. One second I was in front of my computer doing my work then the next, I was in the kitchen about to take my own life. I don’t know what came over me but I know for a fact that I had never been so determined in my entire life to do anything, but at that moment I was. And I was about 2 seconds away from doing so when the person I had an argument with came downstairs into the kitchen. They asked me what the heck I was doing and I merely whispered a no and went upstairs; looking for something else I could harm myself with. At that moment I just wanted to feel pain because I had been feeling numb that whole week. But I couldn’t find what I was looking for and then remembered that, I had thrown those things out way back, when I made a promise to God at SOE that I would never harm myself again. At this point the tears started pouring and at that moment I didn’t want the person to see me cry, so I said I was going in for a shower and in there I sat and cried for a solid 30 minutes. I had them banging on the bathroom going “I swear if you do something stupid,” but I just shouted back “I’m just in the shower.”
Letting the sound of the shower silence my sobs, I cried and I cried. I just wanted to leave. I eventually got out acting as if I was completely fine in front of them then I walked downstairs and I was off crying again to the point no tears came out. My head started hurting and my eyes were so red. I was going insane once again, I started banging my head against the wall while I listened to the voices, to my depression, “you are a failure, you can’t even take your own life.” But then I suddenly stopped.
It’s as if something clicked inside of me and I suddenly had this urge. A thirst from deep within and I found myself walking towards my Bible. The Bible I had abandoned a while back because I couldn’t pray or feel. Then as I picked it up and before I opened it, I fell to my knees with silent sobs and I kept repeating “Please just show me a sign, a sign, anything to keep me going, anything.” I was going to go try taking my life again if, I didn’t find anything, I opened it to a random page and my eyes fell to this one particular chapter from the Wisdom of Solomon.
I have highlighted those words that hit or plucked at a heart string.
My heart was erratic but after I read that chapter, I was so calm, so content with myself and I started smiling away like a manic. Never have I experienced peace like that. My heart was at rest, for the first time in a while, I experienced pure bliss.
All my life I felt like I held no purpose. As if nothing made sense. But then reading through his words made me think otherwise. I am here with purpose to be an associate in his works, to live because he gave me life by giving up his only begotten son. What hooked me up was even just the first words, I loved her. God’s always going to love you no matter what, I have never felt love but God always reminds me that he loves me in revealing ways like this or just through everyday life. This makes me think about my experience of SOE and how I first experienced his love and how even then, he told me that he loves me. So here I am telling you that GOD LOVES YOU. Like with me writing this blog I have had people coming up to me asking about how they can gain a “wider experience” and I’m no Saint but I have given them advice that, I myself took and some how those little advice’s work. I mean I can’t take it myself sometimes but I am working on that. I am working on becoming a better version of me.
I let go of God for a while but HE called me back. He will always call you back. It’s never too late to turn back to him. Sitting here writing this, I can think of a few other times he’s tried calling me but I ignored him. Please don’t ignore him child, you are loved more than words can explain. The truth is God is there with you everyday, you may not feel it but he is there. Please don’t let go of him, cling onto him till the very last moment.
P.S God sometimes uses our deepest scars and it’s pains as a stepping stone for our greatest calling.