Truth is I have been going insane these past couple of weeks. It’s as if nothing seems right anymore, like God’s testing my will to live.
Stuff at home isn’t the best. I just so happen to be in the middle of each and every argument that takes place. It’s as if we’re strangers living in the same house, acquaintances, and I hate that. I have my exams in a month and I can’t seem to sit down and revise even though I try so hard to. I can’t in such a negative environment. It’s as if my minds just switched of, gave up trying. My smiles are fake, my laughter is fake, everything is just fake…I have been walking around looking homeless, not bothering with how I look. It’s as if I have no energy left within me. My nights are spent trying to get to sleep, staring at the wall, I’m wide awake at 4am. I’m constantly just tired but the sort of tired no amount of sleep can over come.
I’m messed up, broken if you like. And I hate saying that but that’s how everyone looks at me and how I have started to see myself. I have so many open wounds within me and all I know I need to do is talk. Maybe my family would be ok if we all did talk but I don’t think that’d change much but it’s worth a try I guess. Communication is key in any relationship but, being taught to be silent all the time, being taught that you’re inferior to everyone else makes you struggle to form any sort of words on your tongue for someone to hear. Why? Because they create within you a fear of being wrong because you’re used to being shouted at or hurt when ever you speak up. So what do I do? I keep it all in my head, I bottle it all up and I fear for those who will be with or near me on the day I pop open.
My fire’s been burning low, I have been hurting and as I look around at first glance no one seems to care. I feel like I bother people just by talking to them about any of my problems. I just feel like an emotionally weak, pathetic girl who can’t keep her shit together and yes I hate cursing when I write but It feels necessary. I did this thing while I was sat with my friends last week, where I just looked around me and all I saw was everyone being happy, having a laugh. I envied that. I wanted nothing but to be smiling again, genuinely. Yes, some of those smiles were fake too and everyone has their own problems but it just brings sadness to me.No. I’m not saying that seeing other people happy makes me sad because in fact it’s quite the opposite. But it hurt me at the time because I didn’t even have the energy to pull up a fake smile anymore.
However at second glance my family cares, they really do. I’m not talking about my blood family, I’m talking about a couple of friends who I’d like to call family, who seems to always be there for me. I mean I know that my actual family cares too but it’s just not the same anymore. And now I’m going to live by this, “I believe that families are made in the heart. It is not determined by divorce papers, marriage certificates or adoption documents. They can only ever become null when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties these people are not your family. If you make these ties these people are your family. And if you hate those ties those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you”~ CJoyBellC
So if any of you are going through family problems just look around you, find your friends. I know they won’t be able to make it all ok and happy again but they can be there to help you through it. Talk to them, please just talk to someone. Don’t keep it all in like I do, it’s unhealthy for you.
Also my faith has been weak and I didn’t even realise until now that I’m going through all this and as I was praying I stumbled across this.
So you know what? I am going to leave it all up to God now. He has made his plans for me so all I can do is and I quote my chaplain “have a pray about it.” It may not give me an ultimate fix to my problem but it will help me cope.
P.S I managed to raise over a £110 with 2 other friends doing henna over 3 lunch times at school…The feeling of doing something for someone else still gets me high, yes that’s my kinda high…I was pretty proud of myself and them because we were expecting like 10 people to turn up but we even had the teachers coming…maybe it was the cheap rates or maybe it was because we were decent who knows?