Before I start let me tell you something, before I met Christ on the 01.06.16 I was a COMPLETE ATHEIST, with no belief what so ever. Yes I went to church every Sunday but only because my parents dragged me there.
So one day in May they decided to send me to SOE (school of evangelisation) it was led by this teen minister who was quite funny. She wasn’t the usual minister and as a teen she could relate to our problems and issues. What happens in soe is that it’s basically school from 9am till around 10pm but JUST about GOD. Yeh you heard right. You get lectured, prayed over, mass, confession, spiritual sharing (THEY CAN MIND READ!), adoration and “group activities”. That makes it sound really boring and it was at first (sorry you guys) but we had so many jokes and laughs throughout the whole week. Did I mention the food there was AMAZING!
So not knowing all this I got sent to Buckden, Cambridgeshire, where we were staying for a week at this retreat center. So I halfheartedly went why? Because even with knowing I’d be spending all my time talking about God I was like I’m going to make so many new friends, like one of my internet friends was coming (shout out to Krupa again) and we were going to meet up there.
So i turn up with my best friend at this ancient castle which was pretty cute. Then our phones got taken of us, which really wasn’t a big deal as there was no service what so ever.
Okay so now you have that background info I’ll get to the actual point :’)
I was like a brick wall not budging, not listening to anything they said. I would just sit and daydream in the middle of their talks, I WAS SO BORED! However third day in seeing as I wouldn’t budge one of the ministers came up to me and said “look just try once, let him in just once and see what he can do for you and if he does nothing you can shut him out again like you have been doing all these years.” How she knew that I did not know.
I knew she was talking about God and so in the middle of adoration instead of daydreaming I actually listened, opened my heart a little not fully, but what ever I did I couldn’t pray so I got one of the brothers to put his hands over my head and pray for me and as he was he whispered to me “do you feel like no one likes you? As if you aren’t good enough?” It kinda scared me and I was like how did you know that and in shock I nodded my head and I dunno why but I burst out crying, all those years of pain, the feeling of not being good enough just came out and he said “don’t cry, Jesus loves you daughter, he loves you very much” And then bam the tears were unstoppable, flowing down like a river. So he had to get the teen minister to come and give me a hug and she took over and she started whispering in my ear complete gibberish, but it sounded so beautiful, so calming it was surreal. I felt as if a weight had been lifted up of me and then I realised it wasn’t just gibberish it was her talking in the mother of tongues, it was the Holy Spirit talking to me. I felt so much lighter and happier after that and at lunch instead of talking to my friends I sat away from them, in my own little bubble. But then that didn’t last long. I wasn’t used to opening up like that so my heart hardened up again.
However the next day I was hit immensely. We had hardcore adoration with singing, dancing and eventually praise and worship. We were praying to break away our bondage’s from certain things like, lying, stealing and then we came to DEPRESSION, SELF HARM AND SUICIDE. Talking about all these got me crying proper I hardly ever cry in front of people so this was new to me. And when she was talking about self harm and suicide she said “there is someone in this room who had attempted it only last week during their self harm and I pray for that child, I pray that her bondage’s are broken” It was me. She was talking about me. How can this be, how can they know? And at that moment I realised how sick and tired I was of feeling like I wasn’t good enough so I screamed and cried and shouted and prayed and kept repeating “God I know I didn’t believe, but I’m trying now so please give me a place in your heart and break me away from my negative thoughts.” I repeated this like a mantra, closing my eyes and suddenly I fell to my knees and a small light shone behind my close lids. There I saw God! (call me crazy whatever but I know what I saw) I saw him in front of me crying with a crown of thorns on his head, bleeding, holding in his hands was his heart. And he said “look Broni, look at me. Look at all this blood on me and these cuts on my body. They have crucified me enough. But you, when you cut yourself, you cut my heart.” And at this point his heart that was in his hands started to bleed. I couldn’t deal with it. I was so scared and I whispered “I am sorry, so sorry but I didn’t know how else to deal with the pain I felt but I promise not to self harm from now on.” And then he reached out and touched the deep wound that was turning into a horrible scar I had on my hand from last weeks suicide attempt and healed it. It was all gone. He had forgiven me. He had given me a new start.
I opened my eyes and started smiling like an idiot. God loved me! Someone loved me! At this point one of the ministers came up to me and started praying over my head with a rosary and I just fainted and fell to the floor, well onto Maria who caught me :’) I saw him again, I saw God this time smiling. With no blood or anything. He was stood in the middle of Mary and Joseph in this arc.
So here I am 6 months later clean from self harm and believing. Yes I fell when I got back home back to my old ways but I stopped harming myself so that’s progress enough for me. But yeh I still am depressed but I’m healing just very slowly with the help of a few friends.