I spilt my heart onto a page in my notebook on Wednesday. I had this sudden urge to pick up a pen and write as I was sat in bed.
Sometimes it’s really bad and I cant help but drown
It’s not just feeling sad, it’s not just feeling down
It’s the over thinking, the I’m not good enough
The why are you even here, the just leave already
But somehow I always pull through each day
No it’s not easy
It breaks me, scars me emotionally,
And tears me apart from the outside world
But somehow I’m pulling through
You see some days are easier than others for me and perhaps for you. Some days you will wake up and feel so happy and get lots done, others you can’t even find the will to get out of bed. I think recently whats been keeping me going are these two people, one, a boy (no I’m not in love with him or anything) he’s basically my brother, I call him therapist because he gives me great advice and stops me from doing stupid things. Want to know the funny thing though? I’ve never actually met him :’) The other is this girl who cares for me like no other and I’m so blessed to have her in my life (ok so her, I am in love with 🙂 )
Anyway what I’m trying to say is that try to surround yourself with people, the right kind of people. Even if it is just that one person, it makes a difference trust me, I know. Pick a person who you know has your back, who knows and understands you. Who won’t just be like, “just try not to think about it” I’m sorry but that’s the worst advice you can give a depressed person (but it’s ok I forgive you, I used to do that to people until I realised how stupid it sounded and I heard it myself)
Yes, some days are so hard that I just want it all to stop. Some nights I just fall apart after I lose hope. I end up soaking my pillow, screaming into it praying to God to end it all. I admire these 2 helpers of mine for putting up with me at these times becuase I just turn into this negative girl who says No to everything. The talks they give me just go from one ear to another. But you know what? Some of the stuff they say really stays with me. I’ve been taught that it’s good to let go, it’s alright to just ramble all your thoughts to someone. Sometimes I feel like an overflowing bathtub that every once in a while, either one of them, has to come and pull out the plug in order to drain me. This is usually exactly all I need, in the end I’m much happier.
Do you know what the saddest moment is? The bit after you just finished pouring your soul out and you just sit there, drained and emotionless. But guess what I’m still here, your still here. A part of me knows I will pull through this and I believe you will as well, if you too are hurting. Why? Because even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.