I was used to doing just as I was told. When I was little I used to go outside and play with my friends, climbing posts and trees but as I grew up my mother told me to grow up and stop. I used to paint and color in the pictures she used to give to me. She liked my pictures and I liked her smile. Then as I grew up she told me it was childish to want to draw. So I started wearing nice clothes that pleased her. I became polite like she taught me to. I ate things she approved of. I tried my best at school. Whenever I got lower than an A I was shouted at. I started to do all the chores around the house. All my friends were chosen by my parents, people who were well-educated. I started to bury my head in books because my mum told me to achieve great things in life, and to do that one must read. I tried to become her dream child but she never appreciated my efforts or just for a moment stopped to notice how HARD I was trying. She never stopped comparing me to all the other kids in the society, why can’t she see that I am who I am?
I hadn’t selected a path in life it all got chosen for me through my parents. I had to be either a doctor or engineer (typical Indian parents). When the whole world seemed to be enjoying with their families, I was told to speak less. In all these years of my life I have always wondered ‘what would it be like to have freedom?’ To actually chose what I want to do for once. To make a decision for myself. Never have I ever been asked by my parents What do YOU want or what do YOU like.
Now as I began to get older and understand things a bit more, I realized. While trying to be ‘Perfect’ I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know what I wanted. But worst of all I hated myself. And for 2 long years I suffered silently, I was scared to talk about it, to open up, I still am. No I’m not asking for your sympathy or seeking attention, I just want to let others know that they aren’t alone. In fact don’t you DARE treat me any differently because you know now. You can talk to me about it, yes, go ahead but I probably won’t open up completely. Why? Because it hurts ok?
So slowly I fell into this great depression. I got stuck getting worse by the day. to the point where I became suicidal. I felt like a burden, like I couldn’t please anyone. I couldn’t be the child my parents wanted I don’t know who I am or what i want, why should I be here? So i started to rebel against everything, to my parents, I started talking back to them, I dressed how I wanted really pushing my luck. The dresses got shorter and the nights longer (who am i kidding I hated wearing stuff like that but I LOVED the feel of doing something against my parents for once). Like my parents were the kind to shout at me for wearing makeup so what did i do? I winged my eyeliner more, started contouring and highlighting I mean i learned to look good along the way but trust me this WASN’T me. I’m the kind of girl who doesn’t have the energy for anything (another factor of having depression). The one thing that annoyed them most was the fact my grades started dropping from their perfect A’s. This was completely involuntary though, as bad as it sounds how did they expect me to concentrate when all i could think about was the many ways i could make my death seem like an accident.
But I could never take my life, I was a coward. As every time I was about to these 2 images pop up, one of my best friend and the other of my perfect family. My kids fighting, my husband encouraging them on, me shouting at them.
All I wanted was some freedom. Freedom means going against the world even if the whole world considered you wrong, because you believe in yourself and the fact that your true. Freedom meant being true to myself which I had never been.
P.S My parents don’t know about this yet and I wish for it to stay that way so please don’t tell them. I am getting help without them, don’t worry I’ll be fine.